rough time

[outlander]

Yeh im ok @Bella1978 thanks. Maybe you could do some of your mosaics or something easy going to rest but keep occupied?

Thanks @MDT yep a work in progress. Ive been keeping a balance the best i can thanks. i dont know what you mean by festering though when i barely talk except in short incriments unless i feel the need to write longer responses such a responding to a longer post so im not sure what you mean by that

[Sans911]

@outlander - you are the patient, therefore you decide what you are comfortable with in therapy. Absolutely no one should be intimidated by their therapist. What will be achieved if you are anxious and fearful everytime you see her? The aim of therapy is you work on whats comfortable and the therapist guides you gently into deeper stuff when you are ready to go there. You can't undo years of trauma, depression and anxiety in 10 sessions. It's impossible. And any therapist, like yours who is trying to do this is actually causing more trauma and damage. Do you think you have improved since you've seen her?

What I meant with your sister is that if she constantly sees you anxious, afraid and terrified of dogs and of the incident, she might end up also just as fearful as you are. I'm not saying by any means that you're a bad sister or to switch all those feelings off, but this incident has caused intense anxiety, fear and panic. At some point for you and your sister you will need to face this fear. And I understand some of what you are experiencing as I've been bitten twice. I still swap to the other side of the street for large dogs, and I only accepted black dogs when I was in my 30s. It takes time and patience.

Don't go through the bpi website. Just ring them direct, tell them you're struggling with emotional dysregulation, anxiety and depression and are there any supportive services in your are that are low or no cost. They won't ridicule you. A lot of the purpose of the BPD foundation is to raise awareness, reduce stigma and shame and provide assistance.

You're far from a bad person lil Sis. You're just ultra sensitive, and have been living in an invalidating environment for way too long. You need to get the very best possible care you can have.

Hugs my angel

[frog]

Evening@outlander our paths haven't crossed for a while and I just wanted to hi. I'm sorry it's so tough right now. The lack of consistency from and between the medical professionals sounds really stressful. I don't have a lot of experience with it but what @Sans911 said about deep trauma work rings true for me. I can't help thinking that forcing someone into it when they are already feeling vulnerable could be harmful. Harsh/intimidating doesn't sound like a good fit for you (or *anyone* who is struggling). Are there any other options? It's exhausting having to start again with therapists, but might be the lesser of two evils. Hope your night goes ok.

[Former-Member]

I've read back a ways to familiarise myself with how you're going lately @outlander and I want to say how much I really feel for you in this situation with a pdoc and a gp who just are not hearing what you're saying, or are deliberately ignoring what you're saying. 

@Sans911 beautiful, informative and deeply caring posts, I hope Outlander can read over them a few times as the week moves forward because it's as the anxiety and tension reduces the tiniest bit that more understanding will come through. (I don't mean you're not intelligent Outlander, I can see you are overwhelmed and not much is making a whole lot of sense right now) 

From what I can understand here, it seems your medical caregivers are stuck on the 'Immersion Therapy' / 'Exposure Therapy' concept of 'getting you to get over the trauma'. 

My last pdoc was stuck on using this style too and pushed me to the very edge of suicide, it's been a long and arduous journey coming back from that. After learning what happened, my gp has banned me from seeing all local pdocs as they use this type of therapy. It's been about 8 months of avoidance of things that annoy me where I could/ can, and I finally have come down from the overwhelming sense of heightened alarm that I was constantly in. (That's why I think I've burnt out my adrenals - being on a constant adrenaline overload is painful, nauseating and scary)

I loathe more than I can put into acceptable words this type of supposed therapy. Nor can I say in polite company how much I detest the laziness and ineptitude of the medical people who choose to use these methods. I hold this style and those who use it in total and complete contempt. (Disclaimer: There may be a place for this awful style when the trauma reaction is no longer the top most reaction a person has.)  

Outlander, it would not be a waste for you to stop seeing this pdoc for a time, especially if it would give you time to regroup your strength and let yourself begin to heal.

By stepping away from seeing her, you'd be stepping away from the constant and regular retriggering that she does to you.

That would in turn, give you a chance to get some better sleep and get a much needed rest from being  regularly retraumatised. With rest and sleep, other things will begin to fall into place more easily and effectively. 

I sort of want to say more, but don't want to bang on about things too much. You are worth the effort to help you find ways that will bring you peace and good health, Outlander.

You are not a bad person.You are a very good, kind and caring person.

I humbly ask you to be as kind and caring to yourself as you would be to another person you cared about who was going through this situation. 

[MDT]

Festering as in like talking about it.. 'm not too familiar with bpd so perhaps that's just a part of it? I'm not sure. I don't want to say something bad about you, just that I worry sometimes about when you share a lot on here it might make it a bit worse off. You are strong though. People take a liking to what you say and how you help others myself included.

Ride this wave of adversity out like you have every other one.

Have a poem too. I'm. Not much good on BPD and trauma therapy so I felt like composing a bit of a poem for you to hopefully take your mind off things a bit.

There once was a girl called @outlander
She joined a forum on one fine day
It was filled with hope and banter
The forumites shouted out 'hooray'

She knew how to help young @outlander did
But often times it could get quite tough
Luckily though she was no little kid
And would soon get through all of this stuff

Now young @outlander was witty, smart and charming
She'd compliment the forumites rather quite often
Her mind as sharp as as it was disarming
Make it would, the blows of MH soften

Take courage my good @outlander my dear young friend
And you'll arrive out of this all the more stronger
Soon to this, there's an inevitable end
But for now just hold out, just a bit longer

[outlander]

thank you for explaining what you meant by sisters @Sans911 i thought thats what you meant but wasnt sure. I try really hard not to put it onto them. I often walk away in those sorts of situations so I dont instill fear into anyone. Its abit hard when im trapped in my own house like today. I let them watch movies with dogs, pat them, play with them etc it just makes me anxious so walking away it is. Sometimes though I feel better being with them (kinda like protective mode but that brings on the fears as well). In time I guess things will come.  

I guess nothing is achieved by being fearful. She has this very set in attitude and I really wanted to let go of my fears and trust her and work with her to get through this but her method was throw me in the deep end. She kept pushing me to tell me story in its entirety- that was the 2nd session with her. The third session she had asked me to pick an emotion that I felt ie guilt, fear the likes and then start from the beginning again. I picked one and we only got into a small section but was realy really detailed- the part we talked about was from before I walked outside with sister until the dog walked up to us. She had asked me to descirbe what I seen, smelt, heard, remembered everything in tiny incriments (before the actual attack) then she got me to stop once she had picked a memory- and asked me to keep the memory in my imaginary visual field thing- not sure how to explain it- um keep remembering and visualising that one memory and then just let my emotions run wild but I wasnt to distract myself from it I was literally to sit there and keep visualising it, keep breathing until my emotions subsided then do a grounding exercise. Her words in regards to the sessions were “I dont think ill need to see you after these 10 sessions, I think youll be fine on your own because the thing (the exercise) we just done is basically all we are doing” ( @Former-Member this part here I think might be relevant to your post too but will do a better post to you as well (just saving resaying it- hope you dont mind) ) 

over the past few days there has been something ive struggled with and havent said (well i havent really said anything over the past few days) but its a strange feeling. i feel like ive lost faith in myself. ive lost faith in my own abilities in all aspects. it feels like ive lost something deep inside. have you felt like that?

I have troubles ringing people so it might be better for me to email them and communicate that way. Ill try to do it tonight so might get a response on monday/tuesday from them.

Hello @frog thank you for stopping in to say hi. All year its been like this- trying to find someone or trying to work it out with the gp or whoever it is at the time to make things work so I dont have to change. I really dont feel like im getting anywhere yet. Its really frustrating. Im going to contact the BPD foundation, they might have something suitable in my area as well before I change yet again. Ill try to get more information first before making some final decisions. Thank you, I hope your night is ok too

hi @Former-Member thank you for reading back through, I really appreciate that.

Its frustrating and upsetting, I feel like forever going in circles. The only time I really improved was when I was on the highest doses of around 3 or 4 meds at the same time working together but now ive gone off and all this stuff is happening im finding it really hard to cope at all. Im starting to think maybe I didnt work hard enough. The little bit I tagged you in to Sans give a little more idea of what was happening at therapy. Im not really sure what its called though. I thought it was exposure therapy but not sure exactly.

The one I see is a clinical psychologist. My pdoc only does my medications (or ridicules me or both)

I have attempted suicde before and I dont want to go back there so have been trying to keep some sort of balance and I cant do that then I hide and go even more into safe mode.

If you dont mind me asking did you go back to seeing a therapist at all?

With stopping- thats where I become conflicted again in that now that ive started would it be worse going ahead or would it worse stopping and then having to start again? To me I dont really feel ready or stable enough for trauma work like this or perhaps not this fast moving but what im interpreting from what offline people are telling me ' im doing well and im ok' but I dont feel ok and ive told them that and ive tried to explain it- I do often have trouble explaining it and when they stop listening it gets harder. So theres lots of confusion about what the hell to do. I go a lot more of what others say on here because they actually have lived experience of this and can probably see more of 'me' than offline does not to meantion you all make more sense than my current support team!

Thanks for the concern @hamsolo01and your help, and the poem as well. Its really well written.

[Former-Member]

Hi again @outlander just popped on to quickly respond to your question for you. 

I have not yet found a suitable therapist, so no, I have not yet gone back to see anyone.

I did start with some courses at MindSpot, which were less than helpful for me, because their processes are how I keep myself going from day to day, and I wanted more than they could offer.

For people new to therapy and those who have not done anything much at all with therapy, I expect they could be quite useful. 

So many things just kept compounding for me that I had to put some things into place that would meet with my needs and happen as well as possible, on my terms.

What that meant was cutting out the few outdoor contacts I would manage to force myself into, and making everything about me and do what I could to reduce the overwhelm. 

In case there might be something you can adapt to your lifestyle either now or in the future, or that might give someone else an idea of what they could do, I offer some of the methods I put into place for myself. 

Reduction of: 
noise, external stimuli, light, odours,

land line phone only set to record message, always on silent - a light flashes when message left. (no message, no talk to me)

people (online orders and delivery for meds/ groc/ all shopping) - if contact with outside people necessary having escape routes already known, and notes to get help when overwhelmed; if people coming inside having a room organise so they don't enter the house proper or my space. 

ACCC approved Do Not Knock sign on door - it's very cathartic when those arrogant ones who think it doesn't refer to them take their life in their hands. 

altering my clothing to build a barrier between me and 'them' (eg hood/ dark glasses/protective outer 'shell' like a coat or cape)
silicone ear plugs for dealing with the noises I can't stop

On pharmaceutical advice obtained: otc sleep helper/ vitamins/ natural remedy for adrenal health/ other stuff relevant to my conditions. Pharmacist knows my situation and is usually good and kind. 
Hopefully this might help in some small ways, I know your situation is quite different and you have commitments to your sisters, but maybe something here will give you an idea that might help for a time. 

Rest well tonight @outlander thinking of you. 

[Sans911]

@Former-MemberThank you, and I could say the same the same words about you. You are very caring and compassionate, and I really like following your posts.

Some sensible thoughts/ideas in this post from @Former-Member

@outlander

[outlander]

hi @Former-Member thank you for sharing some of your tips, ill try to see what i can get to work in my circumstances too. somethings gotta give eventually right. 

and thank you @Sans911@frog@Bella1978 and everyone for your help as well. feeling abit better after talking about it abit.