PLEASE DON'T RESPOND TO THIS POST.
So I came to a conclusion. Others might call it monumental, but when you facilitate between living & dying most days it doesn't feel much different. I felt recently it was time again to go. Yeah, how many times have I said this, yet how many times have I returned? Yet many of my SAs have been serious; it's either that I've been found, miscalculated or other. Nonetheless I learn from each time. So this time was going to be very different.
Then my subconscious intervened. Like a giant elbow in the ribs. I can't transfer my pain to my families. They don't understand now, and they never will. But at least I am loved regardless. My biological mother will be destroyed. She will probably have a breakdown. I just can't do that to her. No matter what's she's done to me. My foster family will be devastated.
This doesn't changes the feelings of despair, hopelessness or self loathing. They are all there, laughing at my stupidity, telling me I've never be enough, I will never be satisfied with my life. I don't know how to deal with that, or what to do about it, except perhaps to chip away at it a tiny peice at a time and see what's underneath.
I will still have to deal with SI/SH for some time yet. And my SH may increase due to the decision I've made. I'm kinda ok with that for now. There is no amazing bolt if lightning splitting the rock and a bright, shining light showing through. Much like my new avatar, I can see the sun, trying to find a way through the dense forest. I don't know which way is forward, for its not light enough to see the path, but the warmth of those first rays of sunshine feel great on my face. There is the possibility of more light if I keep searching.
