Thank you for you recent messages @Snowie @Eve7 @Former-Member @Lee82
Yesterday's wound review at the hospital clinic went exactly as I expected it to. The wounds are healing well, the bruising is fading slowly, and everything is as it should be. Except for my own mental health. I broke down crying in the exam room when the surgical resident came in. My skin, and therefore me, are so ultra-sensitive right now that even the slightest touch has me flinching. The resident and the nurse tried their best to reassure me that everything was fine, but right now words are not what I need. They offer me no security, no comfort and certainly no joy. So when the resident left the room, I cried even harder, and the nurse kindly sat with me as my tears fell. I guess they were so concerned for me that they got the surgeon, even though I wasn't supposed to see her. She tried reassurance too, but it wasn't much help either. Every suggestion they tried was an issue of some nature or another. Mh has added so many layers of complexity to my life. I feel forever tarred with it's brush. So it was a pretty rough day yesterday, and today isn't much better. The tears are back again now. I have not felt so hopeless in such a long time. This year I envisaged getting on top of these mh issues, going back to work and life having some semblance of normality. And well, we all know what came this year to mess things up for nearly everyone on the planet.
I am so very tired of treading water, of waiting, of going around in circles, of fighting with people, of being turned down by services, or having them completely unavailable. It is so hard to keep fighting to stay alive, to have hope, to dream even of better times. I didn't even want to go away this year to my foster family. I just wanted to hide away. But I have booked my bus trip for next Wednesday, and I perhaps time with those who love me the most will be my salve for a few days from a harsh world.
I don't hurt as much today, but still keeping up the simple analgesia. Sleep is still an issue. Not able to sleep
until the early morning hours, and it takes me some time to get comfortable. I am really taking it easy this time, even though I did so previously.
I guess if you want to call it 'on a better note' I have finally secured what I hope is a decent clinical psychologist who will allow herself to be invoiced by the NDIS. Unfortunately, though I cannot see her until early March next year. And I have been accepted into another program of short term counselling but there is also a wait list until possibly mid-January. That service called me today to see how I was, and when I said I wasn't doing very well at all, advised me to do the usual. Call a crisis line. When I explained to her my difficulties in taking that advice, she asked if I would be ok. I honestly couldn't answer her. I don't know what I will do if it comes to that. I am just trying to do whatever I can right now to hold my head above water. Many times I feel myself going under. It would be all too easy to stay there.
This post is long enough now. I know many of you are in just as difficult or worse situations. Perhaps one day we will be ok again. And we can dare to dream of possibilities.
Much love
@outlander @Emelia8
