@outlander@Snowie
@Zoe7
@Faith-and-Hope
It's been a busy day for me, but a productive one. There's been a bit of sad in there too after a visit to my psychologist and pdoc.
When I saw my psychologist this morning she essentially said I will likely be dealing with depression for some time yet, maybe forever. Or I will at least be highly predisposed to getting depressed again. She didn't say it in a horrible way, more matter of fact. It's just a sad thought that my life is shadowed by this cloud, and I've no control over it. I can't just snap out of it, and things will be better. There's a very long way to go yet before I can say that I have a life worth living back again. I have moments of enjoyment and laughter back in my life, but they are fleeting. More than anything, I often feel numb and out of touch with how I really am. When people ask me how I am, I say I'm alright, but I don't always know exactly what I'm feeling at any given moment.
I've really wanted to give up everything on the last few weeks. Meds, therapists, the lot. And I nearly did. But I didn't want to go back to way I was a year ago.
So I went to see my pdoc shortly afterwards, and for once I was honest about the ongoing SI and the very low moods that I have been falling into. Often before, I didn't lie to her, but I often would say I'm fine when I really wasn't. She couldn't that much about it, and I just felt I had to live with it. But she is concerned the SI is continuing, and has put me on another medication. This medication has been around for a long time, and can have significant side effects. So I'm a little concerned, but I will be monitered regularly.
My pdoc also said I'm treatment resistant, which I've hear from her before. That means that not a lot of medications work for me, and I have to have higher doses of them to even make a difference. Another very sad moment. I feel sometimes I'm being punished. What for I don't know, but I was punished enough as a child, so this MI seems unfair and unjust.
Anyway, that was my day. I've probably said too much or rambled on a bit. Thanks for listening if you got this far.
