It’s really frustrating @rav3n cause she is the only one that will allow me to write/text stuff to. So I was pretty honest about where things are at and what is happening. So I’m like I can feel heard with her… but was it all for nothing???
I’m really really really hoping it’s not the beginning of a change in SW cause I’ll be pretty angry if it coincides with a change in psychologist.
maybe her intention was purely to just prepare me for a change in psychologists. She kept saying that they (comm mh) all rotate clients all the time and it’s all for good. But I just sat there thinking no. No I just don’t understand or see how it’s good to constantly have changes in support and therapy for people with such complex trauma. Like it puzzles me. It truly does.
Hey @Bow. Rav3n has finished for the evening, so I thought I would pop by and say your frustration is so understandable. Constant changes require a LOT from us. And as you said, when we have trauma, we need consistency. Would you feel comfortable asking your support worker if there will be any changes ahead? 💛
to be honest I don’t think so. Don’t think there is much anyone can do. I am in a really really bad head space at the moment. I am constantly contemplating whether to go or not. Relentlessly strong SI. Such a deep longing. Don’t wanna live anymore.
Right now I am safe. But just being real and honest with where I am.
I think I've mentioned in the past that I was chronically suicidal for many many years. Just like I engaged in SH for many many years. Reflecting back, I can liken it to an addiction or an addictive way of thinking. I should also add, I never at any point made up my mind that I would stop being suicidal or stop SH'ing. The thoughts were just there.
So I'm not sure what happened, but the SH and SI fell away over time once I engaged in the therapy I needed. And the therapy was never about reducing SH or SI either.
I just really want you to know that there is hope that things can change. I don't know how, when or what it looks like, but I'm hopeful it will.
I just want you to know that I recognise you are hurting. I recognise that each day is a battle. I recognise there is so much hurt within you.
I just want you to know that we are sitting with you. You mean a lot to us.
Thanks @tyme and thanks for sharing your experiences.
As you know SH and SI is something that I frequently deal with just like you did. It’s something that I try really hard to just accept. But this at the moment feels different. It is accompanied with extremely low mood and very blehhhh blahhh meh kinda feeling. And it feels scary. That is to be honest, is what is concerning.
If you feel this is 'different', would you consider contacting your MH team? I know you don't like emergency services being called, but we are concerned.
With mental health, I also tell people that a major warning sign is when something is 'different'. Whilst things can feel different in a good way, if in your gut, you don't feel this is right, I hope you find space to reach out.
I’m not going to call them tonight @tyme it’ll be some random and I’m finding that more distressing. I’ll see my SW tomorrow and I’d prefer to speak with her first. Then I see my psychologist Thursday and my CM Friday. im in bed now so I’ll be ok for tonight.
sorry to cause concern. I’d heaps appreciate someone checking in tomorrow and encouraging/ making sure I tell someone tomorrow.
I was uummming and arghing about using the word 'concern' in my last post. It's not a frantic 'concern', but more a concern that's aligned with 'worrying because we care'. Hope this makes sense. Not sure of a better word.
Thank you for letting us know how you are staying safe tonight.
I can check who's on tomorrow so they can drop in to check-in. Please forgive them if they take a while though! @Bow
Otherwise, I will be on in the late evening and I can check-in then too.
Hope you find the strength to reach out to your team and let them know that this time, things are 'different'.
