not coping

[outlander]

sometimes he just doesnt understand money concepts and why we cant just go out and buy things (more so the expensive things) and then he takes everything out on me. and the he dwells and dwells on it and goes round and round till i basically sort out what he wants. what hes asking will take a while because i have alot of things for him and my things to pay out before i even think about getting a trailor registered (mind you its been sitting there for a yr not even being used and its only cause i mentioned its out of rego) had a full argument (or him ranting and raving more like it) about how i need to keep track of things and why didnt i look on the board (where i keep our rego papers all hanging up) and blah blah blah and why is the power behind and why is he still paying off his credit card debt etc. so much pressure all the time from so many angles and i cant work out any to get a break with so many things happening and with trying to work up enough money to hurry up and get the scope done im trying to work work work to just get that extra bit together.

i totally get worrying about going backwards. do you think your slipping backwards or something in particular worrying you that makes you think your slipping backwards? @Snowie 

@Sans911  💜💐

[Snowie]

@outlander wow hun, he puts a lot of pressure on you. I really don't know how you do it all sometimes. He sounds very demanding and challenging. 

Please remember that you are doing the very best you can even if he doesn't appreciate it.

I feel like I am slipping back a bit. The flashbacks are becoming more frequent, especially with things that have been happening. I have been trying to avoid things as much as I can but it is hard when it is everywhere. I spend so much time avoiding, and it takes up so much of my energy.

I am just waiting for the fall I guess.

[outlander]

he really is so demanding and challanging @Snowie makes it hard when he just doesnt understand either and the more i argue the worse it gets even when i stick up for myself im still wrong or then he will go mope in the bedroom and ignore me and dob to me on everyone who will listen (including ringing people up just so they can ask how he is and then he blurts out what is happening here) its frustrating and makes it hard to get any family on my side.

its hard to avoid triggers when they are everywhere or you never know when it might pop up. avoiding really does take up so much energy. people think its easy but its not. could you increase your supports for now till you feel more grounded in and stable again ?

[Snowie]

I don't think people understand sometimes how hard it is to be a carer @outlander and until they do it themselves have no idea what you go through each day.

I don't even begin to comprehend how hard you have it each day and how much you have to go through, especially without the support of your family.

I really admire you hun.

My supports are already pretty regular. I have weekly psych visits and see my pdoc every 2nd week.

[outlander]

thanks @Snowie hard to even want to be a carer atm. i dont have much energy for it.

oh im glad your supports are regular. i wasnt sure how regular they would be atm with the covid stuff. do you still have that support worker?

[Snowie]

My support worker finished @outlander I didn't really feel comfortable with her anyway, I don't think she was the right match.

I have to contact them to see what is going on. I think b/c of covid that it has to stop for now.

I will say goodnight hun, I really need to get some sleep tonight.

Will check in on you tomorrow sweetie. 💌💜💙

[outlander]

maybe once covid has settled you might be able to get another support worker and one who is a good match for you too. @Snowie

Goodnight, i really hope you can get some peaceful sleep
sending much love and hugs 💜💚

[Snowie]

@outlander hun

Hoping today has been a little better for you.

How are you hun?

[outlander]

been a tricky day @Snowie
Hows your day been?

also hoping @Sans911 might feel ok to check in today too

[Snowie]

My day has been ok @outlander H went to work today for the first time in ages (he has been working from home) 

Did you want to talk about your tricky day?

I hope she checks in too, am worried about her