🤷‍♂️ boundaries

[Hibiscus1]

Hi 

Having troubles with 18 yo BPD. Any time a task is requested - it triggers a crisis!  This is a particularly lazy teenager - so what to do? 

we’ve tried all the usual tricks 

[wellwellwellnez]

These might also be usual tricks but....

People with BPD tend to respond well to peer support. Partially because they understand it's others hot spots better.

Regarding motivation. I've been recently learning about motivational interviewing and the like. My favourite two theories were both coined by Albert Bandura. Social Learning Theory and Self Efficacy Theory. As someone who's had drive struggles, those two theories seem like the real core fundamentals. They also contradict each other just enough to add a third dimension to your perspective. People need to adapt but they also need to control. And, control and adaption also need to be synced up and synergized. I'm rambling a bit. Think I'm becoming a Bandura enthusiast.

[Topsy-turvy1]

Hi,

I've just joined this forum today as I am at my wits end. My son is 18 and recently diagnosed with BPD. He also has social anxiety. He has struggled for most of his life with BPD, angry outbursts, obsessive thinking, and suicidal thoughts. It was only when he over dosed a few weeks ago that he was finally diagnosed. He is calm now as he has been prescribed medication. He is also withdrawing from alcohol

My partner of 4 years is also a trigger for him so he avoids him like the plague which is so uncomfortable. I'm just reaching out for any support....not an easy task for us mums 🤪

[greenpea]

@Hibiscus1i have a girl with asbergers and  i have the same problem. greenpea💚

[Topsy-turvy1]

I'm struggling with the self destructive behaviours, such as excessive drinking. I just don't know what to do any more...feeling burnt out😪

[Paperdaisy]

Hey @Topsy-turvy1 Thanks for your post and welcome. I'm hearing you feel burnt out and don't know what to do anymore. I'm assuming this is an adult child you care for? I'm wondering what professional supports they have, as self destructive behaviours can sometimes be a cry for help or a way of coping with unwanted symptoms. It's so hard to see someone you care about having such a rough time. Do you have any supports in place for yourself? We're here for you 🌼

@BPDSurvivor 

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @Hibiscus1 ,

I’m a survivor of BPD. There are so many factors at play in terms of your 18 year old. Is it BPD? Is it depression? Is it laziness? What is causing the resistance?

From my BPD head, it seems like the lack of desire to do things is causing the resistance and when told what to do, your borderline is unable to emotionally regulate, hence the meltdowns?

As a borderline, one KEY thing on my mental health advance statement is, “Do NOT tell her what to do”. Why? I always ‘turned’ when I was told what to do.

I was already so emotionally out of control that when people told me what to do, I felt they were taking away the little control I had left. I therefore got angry and lashed out at them.

When I was emotionally vulnerabile, I couldn’t be told what to do.

So how to overcome this? My therapist is very careful with his words. Instead of telling me to do something, he says ‘I invite you to….’ Also, he reminds me that it is my choice and he lays out the consequences of various actions eg ‘you can choose to do this so… happens, or you can choose to not do this so…. happens. It is your choice.” This usually helps me make the better choice.

Key to a BPD is to strike when the iron is cold. Don’t try reasoning with us when we are beyond out reasoning brain and triggered.

All the best with your borderline teen,

BPDSurvivor 

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @Topsy-turvy1 ,

Thank you for posting. It’s a hard space to be in.

As a borderline, I’ve lived in the cycle of destructive behaviours. The more I tried to stop these behaviours, the worse the behaviours became.

Why? Upon reflection, I believe it is because I never tackled the root of the problem. In other words, I kept putting ‘bandaids’ on the wound but never tackled the ‘infection’. So telling you to stop drinking doesn’t solve the underlying issue. Unless there is something to replace the need to suppress your pain, SH stays.

So what is driving you to feel you need to drink? This is a question for you to answer as I don’t need to know. And then, what is it that you want out of life that you can work towards?

Good news is that you have already identified the problem you want to work with.

Do you have a therapist you can work with to tackle some of what is happening for you?

All the best,

BPDSurvivor 

[Topsy-turvy1]

Hi

I just wanted to say thank you so much for your valuable advice and guidance.

My son who is 18 was diagnosed with BPD a few weeks ago as he ticks all the boxes. He has just tried to numb his emotions with drugs and alcohol which we know doesn't work.

He was born with CP, independent however is not as strong on one side of his body, then came the social anxiety, depression and now BPD. 

I am really going to try some of your tips🧡

[Hibiscus1]

Powerful advice - thank you 🙏🏼 

I hear what you are saying 💕 

tricky though - as we want to help this young fella learn to ‘fit in’ with social norms. Example - visiting elderly relative - 18yo isolated self and refused to assist in any daily chores. (Dishes/washing/food prep etc) 

what are the consequences? Negative impact on family who aren’t as understanding of BPD. 🤷‍♂️ we suspect he won’t care of the consequences? He’s already black banned from a few places.