Hi Shanc. Damn this BPD! Sounds like we're in much the same place right now. Christmas can be a tough event all right, especially when you look back over the years and see how they've always been bad!
Great to hear you're working with a therapist. They do work if you surrender to them and provided they're the right fit, but the trouble with BPD is that it's such a self defeating disorder. It's hard to surrender yourself to a stranger when everyone always leaves. Plus, "this" is all you've ever known. It's awful scary to work towards finding a new you when you have no idea of who the "you" is.
I do the old self medicating thing too, which I did last night while listening to Evanescence. Not a good combination, but that's how I've felt since yesterday. The Christmas thing is over and I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel at all.
As for medication, they do take the edge off certain symptoms of BPD, but they're not the answer long term. I continue to take a mood stabiliser, but my psych doc dumped the anti-depressant. No use taking and AD when your emotions are all over the place. As for the other pill you can take PRN (as required) to avoid self harm, I can guess which it is and possibly the one I'm on. It works too, but leaves me soooo washed out the next day. Not in an entirely unpleasant way, but all I want to do is laze around doing nothing. It really messes me up and I only take it when I really need to. I should have taken one last night before my friend, who I texted, blew me off by texting back and telling me she was too tired to talk right now.
Anyway, happy new year to both of us and everyone on the forum. I can only hope 2015 is better than last year!
Ellie.
