Just checking in.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Like ❣️ @Teej @CheerBear

[CheerBear]

Hey @Teej (and @Faith-and-Hope and anyone reading). You have nothing to be sorry for at all Teej. Thanks for your understanding and your message. They are jonquils and there are so many of them. It's a beautiful space 😊 Love wisteria also 💜

I am still going OK thanks. I feel very much like I'm in keep-it-together mode but it's not as much of a struggle to do that as it has been before which is a good thing. There's lots going on, inside and out and I'm having trouble sleeping (nothing too new there though) and feel teary and can be pretty snappy, but I think it's understandable. Close person has surgery tomorrow and things are pretty intense there. It got too much for me to be around and I left (and tried to leave the guilt that came with that). I'll probably be at the hospital tomorrow and with well person who will stay here for a while. School holidays are also not helping much, but I'm busy which is good in a way.

It's really hard not to remember it all with it falling when it did, as you'd know with your bang happening when it did. By now I knew things were really messed up but I was in denial (or maybe shock even) and I tried to carry on like everything was normal. I think in a way I was trying to buy some time to work out what I was going to do and how I could do it safely. I never expected or saw what happened next coming. Lots of yuck.

I'm trying hard to remember the good though and for every bang memory I am intentionally trying to remember something I did or some moment of good that was there. I fought hard the whole time in so many ways and I am proud of that. I spoke up and I spoke in way that was listened to, like I said I would do if I needed to. My crew and I spent some amazing quality time together as it was just us, away from everyone and everything we knew. We decorated the refuge, went on "adventures" of all kinds, thought of games to play, found moments to laugh, and we hugged more than ever. We grew closer because of it all. I did what I promised I would always do and I put them first. I found out what really truly matters in my life, and I still have that. Since then I have fought myself more than ever, but I'm still here too, still fighting and still determined to make a difference somewhere in some way sometime, and I am proud of that also.

I'm holding on to those things at the moment and trying to remember them as much as the other.

(That turned out very, very feely)

It's helpful to write and share that side because it's there even if it feels like it's under threat of becoming overshadowed by all the not-so-great things that happened. I don't need or expect a reply ever, but do super appreciate the space and any listening eyes.

I really wanted to reply in a couple of other places but after writing a novel here, I have run out of time. I am going to take my very feely being off to get ready for a movie night with a little crew and the company of someone who smells good (though I don't sit close enough to smell him when the little crew are around). He's been very kind, gentle and fun with them when he's seen them, and is that way with me too which is taking some getting used to but is so nice. Plus any big strong tough guy that happily watches Trolls, gets a tick from me 😆

Huge hugs to you with your feels and stress and fears. 💜 to you.

[Teej]

That was an amazing response @CheerBear. I can identify with different parts of it too. I know my kids have gained as much as they lost in big ways like resilience and their determination to have futures they want. Also in empathy. That has blown me away the most. I think they look at the little things too. 

Like you I knew things were not right but had no idea of how wrong they were. There were lots of signs but he always had excuses, that being naive, I bought. 

Ive has another strange day but had an epiphany  before. I read an article recently on Alzheimer’s and the way they’ve been trying to treat it. The author used the words that they’d been flogging a dead horse going the same way around research. Now they are trying to come at it from a different angle. They are a step closer. This afternoon I realised that one of my biggest areas to work on always is treated in the same way with me withdismal results and me feeling more and more stigma and stuck with it. I think I have a different way of looking at it. Now I just need a plan to do it and to do it. 😳🤔🤞

i rang the respite place again and they are getting back to me tomorrow to see what chances I have of trying to reset a bit.........although I think someone who smells nice and was kind and fun might tick that box too 😜😘. 

Its awesome to see you doing so well considering all that is happening in your world. I am so proud and inspired too. 

Have fun tonight. 💜🤗

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hugs to both of you ..... pulling lemonade out of sucky lemon times ...... even if it’s in droplets ..... gotta keep doing that.

[CheerBear]

Good morning @Teej @Faith-and-Hope and anyone reading along. 

@Teej Loved hearing about how your kids have grown as a result of their experiences. I have a sense that they're really good people and that's about as great as it gets as a parent I think 

Epiphanys are awesome, though tricky sometimes to have a lightbulb moment and then try to work out where to and how from there! So good to hear that you spoke with the respite place. Interested in hearing how you get on with it and really hoping you can have a chance to reset a little. (Also secretly hoping that if you do get in, you too find a smelly, kind, fun person there - I hear it can help to have people like that around  All those times I was told not to get too close to people in mental health facilities  haha)

Here's one of my faves  for you (I have so many faves).

A lilac. There is what I think is a beautiful big lilac in the neighbours yard that backs on to the corner of our vegetable garden. Around this time of the year rainbow lorikeets come and visit it a lot. Often when I am sitting watching the plants grow (watching weeds appear almost in front of my eyes!) they come and play in pairs in it and I could happily spend hours out there. Definitely a bright moment in my day when it happens.

Hope today is one of the better ones for you 

[Teej]

Ooh that lilac is beautiful @CheerBear. @Faith-and-Hope and all. I love that you know the seasons so well already living there. 

Yeah kids are doing ok. Biggest got the scholarship and is off to Nepal early next year. He was the unluckiest child but seems really blessed at the moment.

Youngest is having a rough ugh year but is taking it in his stride. I’m really proud of his resilience. I think he’ll be ok. Other two are steady as she goes in extremely different ways. One is so routined and organised and doing well, had a few road bumps that he is handling really well. One recently won a sports award.

I have a feeling yours might be heading for similar opportunities in life.

My ephinany went bang for now. You get that. 

Crossing fingers big operation is going as well as can be expected. It’s a really emotional time. 💜🤗🤞🙏🤞🙏🤞🙏

@Faith-and-Hope how are you going. I’ve read your crisscrossing the country stories. I’m hoping you’re breathing enough before next study kicks in. When is d3 likely to start? Does she have to wait until next year? 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Teej @CheerBear  👋 💕

Yes, D3 has to wait until next year for a proper start-up, but in putting together a portfolio, she has already broken out the inks ..... which she is really good at .... and is looking forward to this new art space as much as I am.  S2 has also asked for drop sheets so we can work outside the art room, which means he means to gravitate to hands-on art as opposed to digital, which is his main focus .... 🎉 .....

I intend to breathe across the weekend @Teej 😏 ..... but discovering that I can mixed-media draw everything that I can otherwise and just as easily paint, is like a holiday all of its own ...... I have printed the last lot of drawings off as postcards, and will go looking for a ruby er stamp

that looks like this -

- cos I think finding one of these will make me quite delirious with joy ..... lol

I wish I had had that thought when my kids were little and Incoukd have sent their drawings as postcards.  I might have to gift them all some postcard sized card and a rubber stamp of their own for Christmas, and see what happens.

[Faith-and-Hope]

And I would love to draw your lilac photo @CheerBear ......

And I can tell that my kids have been building resilience through their trials with mi issues, whether they are the bearer of the mi, or the bearer of a relationship with one who is the bearer of an mi ..... all in it together.

💜

[CheerBear]

Morning @Teej. Loved reading about your kids yesterday. They sound like they're all so different in lots of way. I was trying to imagine what it would be like to have adult ones and the challenges that come with letting them go in a way, but maybe not really ever letting go of the hopes and worries for them. Great to hear about the scholarship opportunity - that's awesome! I'm thinking that it comes with some big decisions. Again hard as a parent to hope they make the best one for them.

I was faced with my first really tricky letting go kind of decision a few weeks ago. A few months ago when one of mine was applying for schools, they were offered a place at a good school with some programs for kids who do well academically. It felt right enough and a nice mix of safe and normal but still potentially challenging. We were all ready to go with it until the day I went to submit their forms and took a call (life and its curveballs 😏) that they'd also been offered a place at a different school and had only days to make a decision. This one didn't feel quite so right for me as they accelerate them through the years under big pressure and work with a whole different way of doing things that isn't mainstream. It took a three hour exam to get in to, which in itself felt almost too much for me given their age. It's also further away and harder to get to, and really the whole thing challenges my values and beliefs. I considered not even telling them they'd been offered it (and then felt terrible that I was even thinking that way).

Long story short(ish), I thought they deserved the chance to make a big decision like this themselves and told them I'd back them either way. They made a pros and cons list, spoke to the school counsellor, the principal, some close people etc and they chose the latter. They're so excited, so proud and so happy. I'm so mixed about it all 😐

I thought of you and @Faith-and-Hope lots over those couple of days, so badly wanting to reach out but too scared I'd let too much slip. I was thinking of all the parenting dilemmas you both would have faced over the years and how maybe they don't go away they just change in nature. And wondering how the heck you stay sane through it all?!! Is there a way to keep them small forever? 😉 For all the hair pulling that small people bring, I'm not sure I'm ready for them to grow up.

Sorry to hear about the epiphany bang. I do get it though. Did you hear from respite?

@Faith-and-Hope I love that card idea. So beautiful 💗 I feel your warmth and love for your family too, through your posts. Resilience is such a great lemonade from lemons thing. Hugs for you with all you manage also.

Hope the day is OK or better for you both/all 🌈

[Faith-and-Hope]

Thanks @CheerBear .....

I seriously panicked when my firstborn moved from neonate to baby-baby in only four weeks ...... four weeks of the beginning of the most serious mil challenges and a real unmasking ...... and I was devastated at the unfairness of it all .... curveball body-blow ..... and to make things 100 x worse, all the photos I had taken of him turned out blurry when I had the film developed.  Having twins after that was too crazy as well, and began the mil “spill” ..... which is probably why I came round to (and was blessed with) two more ..... by then WWIII was over and the dust beginning to settle on our new life, as it was ......

But you know something ??  Each new stage and age brings its incredible joys along with the letting-go part .... and when they bud and then sprout their dragon wings, you couldn’t hold onto them if you tried, and you don’t want to ...... you want to see them fly in all their glory, and you know they will fly back and forward to and from you for a while.  And you are ready when they take longer flights, to hear of all their adventures, and meet their special choices of other people and life-partners ...... and it works out .....

My youngest two are still having trouble untangling their wings from our mire, but they will get there too.  By then you start trying out what and how your wings are too ..... and as @Teej is finding, that can be mighty confusing .....

Ironic then that my youngest two were the ones who gave me gentle shoves towards new flight, and I am starting with a short one .... and loving the wind beneath my wings.  Might end up going in an entirely different direction yet ..... but that is about tomorrow / s, and I am in today.