Oscillation between two mind sets

[tyme]

I hear how raw this is for you @creative_writer . You don't deserve to feel alone in this. 

Sitting with you. 

We hope you get the support you deserve.

[creative_writer]

@tyme this is so embarrassing, I hate crying in public

[Jynx]

There's 1000% nothing wrong with you @creative_writer. I think it's pretty common for folks with a trauma history to feel they've lost a part of themselves, or that part of their identity is gone. It's okay to grieve that loss. 

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I shed tears on the way back home, maybe nobody noticed, but I hate being vulnerable in public.

I had a good day of placement, it kept me occupied and busy. My supervisor has been understanding of my sensory sensitivities. She sort of already knew I was ND without me saying a word. She said she has some traits herself.

I also feel like caffeine helps with mood. My mood dips at night, I don’t know if it’s my meds wearing off, maybe it’s no caffeine in my system, and days are so short, my body doesn’t like short days. The thoughts come back in at that time, there is a lot of feeling of grief I hold, maybe too many unshed tears even. I know it’s not my fault, but I feel like we are often programmed to believe that we are shameful for losing that piece of ourselves

[Jynx]

@creative_writer that's awesome about your supervisor, I'm really glad to hear it! It helps soooo much to have other folks around with ND traits. Hope it also means communication will be easier! 

Seems to be a confluence of factors hey! Would it be worth maybe chatting to a gp about it, see if there's any insights to be gained? Sounds like the absence of light is a factor too. Could it also be something related to your childhood? Like if your home life was super challenging, school may have provided relief from that and thus created an association that day time was safe, night time was tumultuous. All just ideas thrown around and may not be the case, but it sounds like it's playing on your mind, this pattern. 

I am about to log off so I'll bid you adieu, but we can continue delving into this tomorrow if you're keen. Nighty night hun 💜 

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I wouldn’t say school was my safe place, it wasn’t. Feeling like an outcast or being bullied didn’t help. Home life was challenging in a sense in my childhood due to unattended emotional neglect. Though the assault happened when I was an adult. It was completely separate from my home life.

I’m the type of person who likes staying distracted whenever possible so I don’t have to deal with thoughts. There are less distractions at night, and it’s harder to maintain concentration on tasks too (no caffeine=inability to pay attention). I do start to feel a bit better once I have my night meds, which is interesting in itself. Seasonal changes in Melbourne are real. I think my body struggles to regulate circadian rhythms, it’s hard in summer to sleep, and I have a tendency to experience depression with mixed features (since I get no pure hypomania anymore) are more likely to occur. Then I do feel exhausted and flat out when it’s dark.

I hope you sleep well tonight 💖

[creative_writer]

Is it possible to become a great therapist and not burn out despite having a history of cptsd

[tyme]

100% @creative_writer 

I believe so. 

What do you think?

[creative_writer]

@tyme I have managed intense stories before, don’t get me wrong. But one time I really did crash hard so now I second guess myself. From the impression I have gotten from my psych is she think I’m vulnerable. But I want to do it, you know

[tyme]

I think everyone is susceptible to feeling vulnerable, including myself. @creative_writer At the same time, this vulnerability may be what will make you a more compassionate professional.