My Mosaic

[Jynx]

Maybe it's worth it just cos 'what's shareable is bearable', ya know? Whenever I say it aloud, it takes away some of the power it has in my head @Bow 

[Jynx]

@Bow I'm off for tonight hun, I hope tomorrow is what you need it to be 💜

[Snowie]

Good morning @Bow 

I hope you are able to have a good chat with your SW today and today goes ok.

Can be overwhelming going up the street. My local supermarket has an hour a week where they dim the lights, lower the volume. Meant to be a quieter time to go. Does yours have something like that?

[Bow]

Hey @Snowie 

hoping that the SW showed up today for you?

Mine did. We had a good chat. I was able to tell her what has been going on with my pain and stuff. Just going to leave it a few days and see how it goes. But laying in bed this arvo the pain is bad. 
I did book my SW in for support when I go and see the gastro dr at the hospital next month though. My gp wanted me to go see one cause my brothers bowel cancer, it can be hereditary especially cause his young. So I can mention this issue I currently have with the gastro dr while I’m there. I’m just really concerned that he will be really insensitive and ignorant towards eating disorders. So that’s why I have asked for my SW to come with me. 
I’ve been in bed this arvo, watching tv and doing Lego. Daughter is at vacation care. I ordered more Lego today too 🫣😂

this pain does not help my mood either. And that constant chatter in my head. It’s my own fault. I have done this to myself. I’m so stupid. Dumb. 

@Jynx 

[Jynx]

Oh I'm glad you can bring your SW to the appt @Bow - always daunting meeting a new person, especially when we are impacted by something so stigmatised. And fingers crossed for a clean bill from the gastro doc too!

Maybe you did do this to yourself hun, but looking at it in isolation isn't going to do you any favours. You did this to yourself in response to extremely traumatic events and a lifetime of instances of smaller traumas on top. Your behaviours do make sense, even if they're no fun, hard to break out of, and end up leaving you feeling crappy. But they do NOT indicate a lack of intelligence or capability. You're a human trying to survive in a vastly over-complicated world with a monkey brain that can somehow get panicked and throw us into fight/flight mode over a simple email notification; I think you're doing just fine all things considered!

Sending you some huggles my dear!! 🫂💜

[Jynx]

Heya @Snowie! Hope your day has been kind to you 💜

[Bow]

Thanks @Jynx  your words are always so reassuring. But it’s hard to accept when my own actions that I know I need to stop and have been warned time and time again, but that they have health consequences. Like my SW said today, it would suck if I was able to recover from my ED but it left me with long term health issues. 

trying to work through in my head this schema stuff I’m learning in relation to this…..

[Jynx]

@Bow Yeah for sure, a heavy thought to contend with, and not something simple platitudes can contend with. But in that heaviness, perhaps motivation can also be found? I mean ideally we'd wanna be motivated by hope, but fear and spite, if they get the job done, are still valid. Especially because they can pave the way for hope, when we start to see change and progress. Maybe fear of those health consequences, and a desire to spite anyone who ever hurt you or doubted you, can become a driving force of change?

Oh good idea, have any connections or insights become apparent? I'm going into PGC soon, but I'd be curious to hear your thoughts, if you feel up to sharing 💜

[Snowie]

I hope by doing some lego has helped @Bow Hoping D comes home tired and goes to sleep early!

Hopefully it is a little easier to go see the gastro doctor if your SW is with you. Good thinking ahead hon.

yes the SW did show up, and on time too!

[Bow]

There is a lot of that inner critic @Jynx  screaming how pathetic and dumb I am and that this is all my fault. It’s been pretty relentless today. 

So the detached protector had kicked in a fair bit today. Withdraw and isolated a lot this afternoon. 

but then I’ll have the critic creep in again about how lazy I am and how weak and quick I am to give in. 

Then the overcompensator jumps on board and starts making plans. 

You get these maladaptive coping modes to protect us from that horrible inner critic, but it can just be a really vicious cycle of going round and round. It’s not just the one coping mode that comes up to help us cope, but it often feeds back to the critic again and then another coping mode.